Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
