someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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