My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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