my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
