Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
