I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize