nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
