if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
