He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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