So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
