when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
