i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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