If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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