dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
