omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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