I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Is Oprah even human
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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