I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
