my phone needs a breathalizer
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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