my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
