I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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