On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
