I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
