The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
