you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Boobs speak an international language.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
