Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
If I had your ass I would rule the world
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
