I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
