this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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