this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize