I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
