I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
