I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
