Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
