You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My day in three words: secret purse cake
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Randomize
