Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
