Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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