Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He? As in you personified your dick?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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