Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
