What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
