don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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