Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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