i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
