he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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