I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
