it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
