Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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