Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
