I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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