Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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