Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
