I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Rumble strips road head = magical
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
