I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize