you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
