R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Buhtt sex?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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