Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I booty called her while she was in labor.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
