theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
