Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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