The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
