You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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