Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize