and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
