dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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