Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
